Resistance training...

... is my life.

No, I haven't started working out.

Well, yes, I have. Just not at a gym.

What I meant is that my life is full of spiritual resistance training. Whenever I seem to think I've got the hang of how to survive at a certain level, someone goes and increases the resistance.

Now, as grateful as I am to the universal power who is ensuring my growth, could I please have some time off for good behaviour before I get 'promoted' to the next stage? Because I honestly think I'm going to break.

The problem is, the only reward I want is one that I can't seem to have. It's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last I whisper into my pillow at night. You'd think that after all this time it'd change, that I'd adapt. I wonder sometimes, if part of my mind is unhinged, to keep begging for something that I know I can't change or get back. But whether it is or not, I don't have a choice. I've resigned myself to living with that little weeping voice in the corner of my heart, pleading for things to change. Because I know I can't change the way things are - I've done everything I can, and short of a miracle, nothing's going to change on its own. And hard as I've tried, I can't kill the voice. So live with it, I do, and pray for miracles the whole time.

But now that I've accepted that, could you please not reward me with more challenges to deal with right away? No, it's not going to help me to take my mind off things. I already tried that, remember?

It's a funny thing, how people seem to think I spread calm. I don't know if it's just all in peoples' heads, but it actually seems to work. But it feels like I absorb all that tension and negativity from people around me, whether they're close to me or not, and then unleash it on whoever I'm in a relationship with or very close to. Not something I want to do anymore, and I've finally found other outlets, but lately, the yuck's been piling on so fast, I can't cope. I'm overwhelmed and lost and scared of self-destructing again.

I need chocolate. :/ And you. I really wish chocolate were enough. It isn't.