Resistance training...

... is my life.

No, I haven't started working out.

Well, yes, I have. Just not at a gym.

What I meant is that my life is full of spiritual resistance training. Whenever I seem to think I've got the hang of how to survive at a certain level, someone goes and increases the resistance.

Now, as grateful as I am to the universal power who is ensuring my growth, could I please have some time off for good behaviour before I get 'promoted' to the next stage? Because I honestly think I'm going to break.

The problem is, the only reward I want is one that I can't seem to have. It's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last I whisper into my pillow at night. You'd think that after all this time it'd change, that I'd adapt. I wonder sometimes, if part of my mind is unhinged, to keep begging for something that I know I can't change or get back. But whether it is or not, I don't have a choice. I've resigned myself to living with that little weeping voice in the corner of my heart, pleading for things to change. Because I know I can't change the way things are - I've done everything I can, and short of a miracle, nothing's going to change on its own. And hard as I've tried, I can't kill the voice. So live with it, I do, and pray for miracles the whole time.

But now that I've accepted that, could you please not reward me with more challenges to deal with right away? No, it's not going to help me to take my mind off things. I already tried that, remember?

It's a funny thing, how people seem to think I spread calm. I don't know if it's just all in peoples' heads, but it actually seems to work. But it feels like I absorb all that tension and negativity from people around me, whether they're close to me or not, and then unleash it on whoever I'm in a relationship with or very close to. Not something I want to do anymore, and I've finally found other outlets, but lately, the yuck's been piling on so fast, I can't cope. I'm overwhelmed and lost and scared of self-destructing again.

I need chocolate. :/ And you. I really wish chocolate were enough. It isn't.

I live... still

I am depressed.

There I said it. Not that saying it seems to solve anything. It never has. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have it? Phooey. Sometimes it seems to me it's an excuse, but it's not. I'm sure I can fight it though.

I lost everything - my dignity, sanity and even the moderate amounts of intelligence I gave myself credit for. And the thing about hitting bottom is that sometimes by the time you reach, you've already drowned. Or you feel too tired to push yourself up again, and drowning seems like the easier option. Morbid, cowardly and selfish? Perhaps. And yet what gives anyone the right to judge another's path?

I never used to understand the concept of giving someone else the power to end your life, and yet I've given someone the power to save mine. The person I begged and pleaded and wished for wouldn't deign to try, and yet someone saw the shell that was left and considered it beautiful and worth preserving. Life's funny, isn't it? So why isn't gratitude enough? Why can't I let go of old longings? Why must I still reach out to the person who helped put me here?

But can I really blame anyone else? I am responsible for my own life aren't I? It's what I always believed. So why now, when I need it the most, has this belief deserted me, along with the faith I had in myself, in my dreams, in life and in others?

I still haven't figured out how to pick myself up and I'm sort of floundering on the bottom, but I guess I should give myself points for being able to get this out, because a day ago, I couldn't have. Progress in any direction is still progress, right?

My Kryptonite

... is you.

I never learn, do I? If you open yourself up to people, you give them the power to hurt you. They may not mean to, will swear to you that they'd rather do a million unpleasant things like sleeping on a bed made exclusively of live, writhing snakes and thorns, but believe them at your peril. Most often, they'd make it feel like it's your fault. Not that I'm perfect, but no one deserves to be shunted aside until they're convenient, or to have someone be angry with them for needing time.

So, screw true love. Screw relationships. Just screw 'em all.

The Darkness Returns

She doesn't know how to begin. She takes a deep breath and tries to start over, but none of it makes any sense. She can't remember how this happened. How she ended up here, surrounded by people, feeling all alone again. She thinks it's funny that she's feeling this way, because all she remembers is a warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness, belonging... and then this.

She knows it's her fault, whether she did it consciously, or whether her subconscious was trying to re-create the environment which it'd been in most of her life. But she can't remember why or what, it's all just one huge blur. The wrong choices, people hurt.

She remembers pain. Overwhelming pain. Drowning in it, the flood consuming her, seeping through her, welcoming her back. She caused pain and that pain caused her pain. The knowledge that it couldn't be changed, that sometimes, there's just nothing for it but to leave, sinking in finally.

Freedom's price

She watches, jealous, as her other self flies free. Wishing she could go along, but tied to the murk that controls her mind. Writhing streamers of envy reach out after her higher self, who laughs as she evades the gloomy strands...

Just once, she would like to be the one that escapes. The one who tastes of the freedom and the joy. But she is trapped. Trapped by her lusts, her hatreds, even her loves. Her love of the light keeps her here; bound, so part of her spirit may remain free, unplagued by the demons tearing at her now.

Sacrificed to the darkness, she pleads with her alter-ego, begs for rescue from this cloying fog that surrounds her. But she is too far away, drowning in the mud of deception and death, while somewhere in the clouds, the joyous soul flies free.

She is free. She is trapped. She knows that the Light One is part of her, born of the consumation of her love of Beauty. But the cord has been cut, and Light One, nourished by all the power that she had to give, has taken wing.

She is left incomplete.

Alone.

Empty.

Defeated.