Peace

I've done so much wrong that sometimes I wonder if I can live under the cumulative burden of it all. Consequences add up, making all my life-choices questionable. Life's a whirl, and sometimes I have to step aside, ashamed that I can't take the pace.

This day will bring what it will. And I may stand, or I may fall. But here, in the quiet of this moment, I am strong.

Heartbeats fading

I lay brokenhearted in the night for years, crying tears that were such a waste. So much effort, so much energy lost, trying to recover what I just gave away. But you know something? I'd do it all again, just to feel your heartbeat again as you lie next to me. To feel your skin on mine, the touch of your lips. The way you made my heart beat faster just by looking at me a certain way. I miss all of that. I miss you.

But now it's time to put you away. It's been weeks since I looked at pictures of you, stroking your face in my mind, and wishing against everything that I hadn't been such a fool. But it's time to forgive myself for things I can no longer change. You are not mine. You never will be again. I can be grateful for the time that we did have together. There will be days when I will still ache for you. Especially now that I'm determined to go it alone. But now I'm strong enough to remind myself that it's no longer my right to hold you, to have you close.

You will no longer be the standard I measure every man against. Your smile in my mind will blur and let me see others clearly once more. Those heartbeats of yours that I was convinced beat in time with mine? They will fade from my ears, never to be heard again. The warmth of your skin, the strength-under-silk feel of your body, will no longer be impressed upon my skin.

One day, when I've found my own strength again; when I've got back all of myself that I let myself lose when you left me, then I'll find love again. And this time, I'll grab it with both hands, and I'll hold it close. And I'll treat it the way I should. Thanks to you. :)

Losing the hurt

It's been a while, and I still miss you. I've tried talking myself out of it, unsuccessfully, and just given in.

The good news is you're no longer a sharp pain in my heart. When someone mentions you, I no longer store it away to examine later, to treasure it and cry over it in private.

You're still a huge part of my life, whether I'm being guarded or not, something will always creep up that reminds me of you. But when I whisper your name now, it's a charm. A reminder of something beautiful that will always be kept safe inside me. The bitterness is gone, the hurt has drained away.

But I'll always miss you. And wish you were here, with me.

Unfair

I've had some good days lately. I'm grateful for them, and am determined to enjoy them while they last. I've learnt that even in the insanity that currently surrounds my life, I can find a space for myself sometimes, and be at peace. It's a fragile bubble, one that bursts often, and painfully, but surrounds me again. I owe it to my friends for helping it stay around me as long as it has, this time. Things are so different when you have people around you to hug you, people you know you can really rely on. It doesn't always make the actual problems easier to solve, but it does make life more bearable. I'm glad that this time, I'm trying harder to pull my friends close, and not push them away like the last. But maybe that's because I rediscovered an old friend without whom I'd be lost now.

She gives me strength that I'd never have found if not for her. She inspires me, with her faith in me, to try and be better though I feel like it's a hopelessly lost cause. Her sense of adventure, her longing to try things that she couldn't do because of circumstances... it makes me ashamed that I, who should be able to do them, am scared to try. Watching her give and be strong, supporting everyone around her, I want to be more like that. She cares, even though it hurts, showing me what it's like to really love selflessly.

I look at her, and wonder why she doesn't see it - the beauty that's in her. Her friends see it, they're drawn to her, and she mothers them and takes care of them, and never seems to see that they're there because of here. That they are a group because of her love holding them together still. I wonder why she waits for a man to tell her who to be, when inside, she's all I'd love to be. I hope she never compromises who she is again. That she finds the strength to grow into the amazing individual we all see in her. I also hope she finds the man who complements her, and who loves her for herself. A man who has the strength and belief in himself and in her, to handle the amazing person she is now, and is still to become. And that they make gorgeous little babies who climb trees and swing on gates and drive me completely mad.

She's funny, and bad and crazy and silly. She makes mistakes, and through it all, she gets up and keeps going... with a little help from her friends, her dogs, and sometimes her contrary cat. She's no saint. She's my friend.

I started writing this to complain about something someone else did to me. But I've realised that it doesn't matter how unfair some stupid acquaintance is to me. It doesn't matter, because the people who have been there all along are the ones who are important.

I've been praising just one of my old friends, but I have as much to be grateful for in my other old friends who have been there as well, if not always, because they had their own lives to deal with. They've brightened my day too, with surprise calls, and the little things that mean so much. Then there's new friends. They haven't been tested by time, so I've no idea how long they'll be here. But my life is a brighter place thanks to them. They don't know about this blog, so they'll never see it. But I hope someday soon, I can tell them exactly how much they've done for me.

There are two people that I do have to thank on this blog. Guiding Spirit and Delilah, your comments have reminded me that I'm not alone out here in the great big internet. A little hope goes a long way, and you've given me quite a lot. Thank you. =)

Resistance training...

... is my life.

No, I haven't started working out.

Well, yes, I have. Just not at a gym.

What I meant is that my life is full of spiritual resistance training. Whenever I seem to think I've got the hang of how to survive at a certain level, someone goes and increases the resistance.

Now, as grateful as I am to the universal power who is ensuring my growth, could I please have some time off for good behaviour before I get 'promoted' to the next stage? Because I honestly think I'm going to break.

The problem is, the only reward I want is one that I can't seem to have. It's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last I whisper into my pillow at night. You'd think that after all this time it'd change, that I'd adapt. I wonder sometimes, if part of my mind is unhinged, to keep begging for something that I know I can't change or get back. But whether it is or not, I don't have a choice. I've resigned myself to living with that little weeping voice in the corner of my heart, pleading for things to change. Because I know I can't change the way things are - I've done everything I can, and short of a miracle, nothing's going to change on its own. And hard as I've tried, I can't kill the voice. So live with it, I do, and pray for miracles the whole time.

But now that I've accepted that, could you please not reward me with more challenges to deal with right away? No, it's not going to help me to take my mind off things. I already tried that, remember?

It's a funny thing, how people seem to think I spread calm. I don't know if it's just all in peoples' heads, but it actually seems to work. But it feels like I absorb all that tension and negativity from people around me, whether they're close to me or not, and then unleash it on whoever I'm in a relationship with or very close to. Not something I want to do anymore, and I've finally found other outlets, but lately, the yuck's been piling on so fast, I can't cope. I'm overwhelmed and lost and scared of self-destructing again.

I need chocolate. :/ And you. I really wish chocolate were enough. It isn't.

Cynicism

The more I see of you, the more cynical I get.

You were my first love, the man who came before all other men. The one I loved unconditionally and totally, and the one who let me down the hardest. Every time I think you've changed a little, it just turns out you're just using us again.

I guess you do love us in your own way, but I hate how you see us as resources, to be thought of only when you need something, and to be put on the shelf when not required. That's not family.

Sigh. It's funny how I was relatively well-adjusted until you brought my world-view crashing down.

Now I'm just another girl with daddy issues. Sad.

Sadblog

I deny it not.

This is my sadblog. It's where I unload all my hurt, lost dreams, wishes that never came true. Maybe that makes my life look a little unbalanced, but what's the point of planting flowers on a garbage dump? Sure, it makes good manure, but no one'd really benefit because the smell of the flowers would be overwhelmed.

So why am I trying to reassure you that I do have moments of happiness in my life? Partly to convince myself. And partly because you've given me hope and I don't want you to think it's wasted. Thank you. For the smiles, for the hope and for the kindness to a complete stranger. May your lives be brightened the same way.