Unfair

I've had some good days lately. I'm grateful for them, and am determined to enjoy them while they last. I've learnt that even in the insanity that currently surrounds my life, I can find a space for myself sometimes, and be at peace. It's a fragile bubble, one that bursts often, and painfully, but surrounds me again. I owe it to my friends for helping it stay around me as long as it has, this time. Things are so different when you have people around you to hug you, people you know you can really rely on. It doesn't always make the actual problems easier to solve, but it does make life more bearable. I'm glad that this time, I'm trying harder to pull my friends close, and not push them away like the last. But maybe that's because I rediscovered an old friend without whom I'd be lost now.

She gives me strength that I'd never have found if not for her. She inspires me, with her faith in me, to try and be better though I feel like it's a hopelessly lost cause. Her sense of adventure, her longing to try things that she couldn't do because of circumstances... it makes me ashamed that I, who should be able to do them, am scared to try. Watching her give and be strong, supporting everyone around her, I want to be more like that. She cares, even though it hurts, showing me what it's like to really love selflessly.

I look at her, and wonder why she doesn't see it - the beauty that's in her. Her friends see it, they're drawn to her, and she mothers them and takes care of them, and never seems to see that they're there because of here. That they are a group because of her love holding them together still. I wonder why she waits for a man to tell her who to be, when inside, she's all I'd love to be. I hope she never compromises who she is again. That she finds the strength to grow into the amazing individual we all see in her. I also hope she finds the man who complements her, and who loves her for herself. A man who has the strength and belief in himself and in her, to handle the amazing person she is now, and is still to become. And that they make gorgeous little babies who climb trees and swing on gates and drive me completely mad.

She's funny, and bad and crazy and silly. She makes mistakes, and through it all, she gets up and keeps going... with a little help from her friends, her dogs, and sometimes her contrary cat. She's no saint. She's my friend.

I started writing this to complain about something someone else did to me. But I've realised that it doesn't matter how unfair some stupid acquaintance is to me. It doesn't matter, because the people who have been there all along are the ones who are important.

I've been praising just one of my old friends, but I have as much to be grateful for in my other old friends who have been there as well, if not always, because they had their own lives to deal with. They've brightened my day too, with surprise calls, and the little things that mean so much. Then there's new friends. They haven't been tested by time, so I've no idea how long they'll be here. But my life is a brighter place thanks to them. They don't know about this blog, so they'll never see it. But I hope someday soon, I can tell them exactly how much they've done for me.

There are two people that I do have to thank on this blog. Guiding Spirit and Delilah, your comments have reminded me that I'm not alone out here in the great big internet. A little hope goes a long way, and you've given me quite a lot. Thank you. =)

Two-Step

Step forward, step back, forward, then back.

They taught me how to dance... and then I learnt to dance with you, and forgot everything else. This is not how it's supposed to be.

I should have known better. I'm old enough and smart enough, but I've never been detached enough. Never drag someone else into a life that's too messed up to hold its own. No one new can fix what you yourself can't, not if it involves your heart.

If I'd met you earlier, or later... But 'what if's don't matter anyway.

And it's the same cycle, over and over, like a beginner's waltz where no one knows any steps but the three.

I want to let you go. I do. I swear I do. You're happier now, from what I hear, and there are people who will love me and need me just as I am. But I need you.

I call you sometimes, just to hear your voice. I text you, hoping against hope that you will respond, if only to say you never want to hear from me again, because I crave that connection. I never thought I'd sink so low, not for anyone. But I have, and I can't talk myself out of it. I don't understand. Is it because I wronged you? Is it because you left, and not me? Am I losing touch with reality from hoping so much? I don't know how to let you go, and so, everyday, I play back pictures of us, all ending with you walking away. I've told you I wouldn't try to talk to you anymore. I don't know how I will, but I'll try. Forgive me if I fail sometimes. It's only because I miss you and I love you in a way I'll never understand. Which is why I'm trying to let you go, even though I fail. I wish you'd talk to me, tell me again that there's nothing here. Hopefully if I heard it enough, it'd sink in. But maybe you know me better than I know myself, and it'll never be enough. Maybe it's just not worth the effort for you. The thought hurts, so why won't it cure me? This has gone on too long.

To the other one. The one who saved me, against all odds. I thought that gratitude would be enough. That I could give you my life without all of my heart. How stupid could I be? And why did you let me? I used your love for me. I may not have known it, but how can that make it better? I love you too, but not enough. How can that make sense? And after what I've been through, how can I expect you to go through it too?

I'm sorry for the mess that is my life. A month ago, I'd have given up, I'd have said I couldn't take it anymore, and I'd have tried to kill myself. Today, I have to go on. I'm not sure whether that's strength, or stupidity.

My Kryptonite

... is you.

I never learn, do I? If you open yourself up to people, you give them the power to hurt you. They may not mean to, will swear to you that they'd rather do a million unpleasant things like sleeping on a bed made exclusively of live, writhing snakes and thorns, but believe them at your peril. Most often, they'd make it feel like it's your fault. Not that I'm perfect, but no one deserves to be shunted aside until they're convenient, or to have someone be angry with them for needing time.

So, screw true love. Screw relationships. Just screw 'em all.

Flight

I'm tempted to run again. Just barely holding myself together. I can feel the panic building, the familiar tension. It's a flight reaction because I can't remember how to fight. He tells me it'll be alright, and I nod and smile, but I think even he can see I'm not convinced - not entirely.

It's early this time. I promise not to think about it, to just let it go, but inside, my thoughts are churning. Why, I wonder, do I yearn to be held back, kept safe, steady; despite fighting it all the while? I used to think that maybe it was the person I was with who couldn't hold me. Now I know better - the one to tame the beast must be me.

But do I even want to? What am I searching for? How will I know?

Dancing on a tightrope

Pushed and pulled by conflicting loyalties, she wonders where this is all going to end.

The choices stretch ahead of her - thin, uncompromising wires - and she takes the first step. She's hesitant, trembling as she leaves the safety of the platform. There is no a safety net, and a mis-step could send her crashing towards - what, exactly?

She's afraid, but this is no time for fear. She forces her body to relax, willing each muscle to yield. It's a progressive softening, an adaptation to her environment. She frees her mind, allowing it to think about anything rather than where she is and what she's doing. She's prepared. She can do this. It's been done before.

She takes a step.

Into emptiness.